From Abuse to Authenticity: Why I Stopped Earning My Worth

The Deadly Cost of Performance Based Love

"Twenty years ago, I worked so hard trying to prove my worth that my body literally transformed—and not in a good way."  I was ruining my health, trying to please people who were never going to love or accept me.  I was literally losing myself and my worth in my own mind was wrapped up in thinking that I can get them to love me if I work hard enough.  The only way I had ever learned to feel loved or accepted was performance-based love.  Love in my religion growing up had to be earned.  God wouldn’t even love you unless you performed.  Abuse taught me I wasn’t worth it even if I did perform. 

What if I told you that the very thing you think will save you, (your relationship, your job, your standing in the church, etc.) might actually be destroying you.

This month those many years ago, I was finishing up on a big home where I had been doing massive amounts of plumbing, electrical, concrete work, roofing, hanging doors, putting in toilets – ALL BY MYSELF literally.  I know several women in my life, just like me back then who are daily doing a man’s work – chopping tons of wood, hauling tons of hay, doing plumbing repairs, laying flooring, hauling heavy things – things that a woman’s body was not made to do on a daily basis.  They’re just trying to find some value and self-worth but becoming a slave and losing themselves in the process.  No self-care at all.  Just like me (20 years ago), they have no breasts whatsoever, and no real self-worth.  Just working for someone who probably never intends to love them.  Just use them. Perhaps because they themselves are incapable of love due to not being able to love themselves, right?  When we love ourselves, we are able to extend love to others. 

Contemplating these precious woman,  I realize that I had been a slave for my church (performance based acceptance and love), my mother (being the oldest of six children) who felt I owed her (since she had to lose her freedom at age 17), and this attitude and expectation of me carried on into my sister’s treatment of me -  thinking of me as the family slave or workhorse.  This treatment carried on into my marriage of 24 years.  My husband and I separated, and I continued to be a workhorse working alone daily (we had a fix & flip business) while he was having an affair that I couldn’t acknowledge for many years. But when I finally did, I filed for divorce. At the Courthouse with my lawyer, he said something that made me realize that perhaps he had second thoughts.  I said, “well you can’t have us both” to which he said nothing!  Nothing at all.  He had wanted me to continue to be the workhorse slave and the new woman to be the one he slept with at night and shared his dream/life with (on my back!) He wanted to keep us both!  He was never going to be able to love me the way that I deserved, which we all deserve.   So, I lost my breasts, my feminine energy, and nearly myself trying to earn love from someone who was incapable of giving it.

Ladies, our value, our worth isn’t our worth ethic.  We are much more valuable than to be someone’s workhorse at our expense and at the loss of who we are!  You are of great value!

The Lessons from this Story:

1.   "Your worth isn't your work ethic ✨"

2.   "Stop earning what you already deserve 💕"

3.   "Performance-based love isn't love at all"

4.   "You don't have to become a man to survive"

5.   "Healing means honoring both your strength AND your softness"

6.   "You can leave survival mode and start your journey into thriving mode (finding your authentic self, your authentic voice)"

7.  "Your feminine energy is not weakness—it's power"

We can lose ourselves entirely if we’re not careful and possibly – even your very life.  How much longer could my body take that treatment and lack of self-care that I was doing to myself,  trying to find love and acceptance.  I figured, maybe a year when I thought about what I was doing to myself back in those days.  But, I cried out to God for help.  The “God Help Me!” moment - and everything changed and quickly!  Just decide:  I am of great worth.  I’m not doing this anymore, Everything changes TODAY!  Decide!